Only my pastor showed up to my big program tonight. What a guy. It was supposed to be for college students and no one showed up. So He and I played a bunch of games together and had a lot to talk about. He is an amazing man. A little scary but in a really beautiful way. "If God lets things happen for a reason like little kids dying then He is a son of a bitch and I dont want to worship him."
It was a great time tonight.
So other then that we did a little self-exploring and there is no way in hell I will be able to figure it out unless I write it and if I dont write it here i would just throw it away after I was done. so lets jump into it. im just scared.
I am so scared to be wrong about all of this and so scared to stand on something because it might fall through. I realized tonight that my biggest fear when it comes to my search of God and this relationship* is to be wrong. wrong that he exists? no, that is not it. I am pretty convinced and also convinced that he had a face on the earth and his name was Jesus.
After that though who the hell knows.
I sure dont know and anyone who says they do looks foolish to me and yet I envy there solidness**. I dont want to be a cult leader. I feel like If I am so sure that my way*** is right and i live that way radically that I will turn into a cult leader. Why, cause I have to be out of the box, a revolutionary. I cant just follow someone else cause what if they are wrong too.
All of this is fear to be wrong.
What is so bad about being wrong?
Holy crap, I dont have the answer.
This is usually the part where I tell my discovery and clean up the mess I typed in the words before but I dont have a discovery, a direction, a solution, a next step, a plan, or a savior. I am sooo doomed to be wrong. If I am stuck in my own thinking and I dont trust anything that anyone else thinks then where do I go?
(like 5 min of silent reflection)****
It seems as though life will go on. I appear to be breathing. I have established a life enough to go on without the answered questions which is a good thing.
Interestingly enough it seems like I need to believe in something or someone or else I will implode.
*inspired by jo to do these little things. My pastor said tonight that a relationship is where you influence and are influenced by actions and reactions of someone or something. If we dont influence God then we are not in a relationship with him.
**Damn it all I do envy them I wish I didnt have to be so wishy washy. Its so safe to just jump on whatever the next theological idea comes around but then you end up looking in the mirror and seeing nothing.
***the simple way or mars hill or fundamental BCC, whichever way I feel like at the time
****recommended for the reader to get the full effect as well
It was a great time tonight.
So other then that we did a little self-exploring and there is no way in hell I will be able to figure it out unless I write it and if I dont write it here i would just throw it away after I was done. so lets jump into it. im just scared.
I am so scared to be wrong about all of this and so scared to stand on something because it might fall through. I realized tonight that my biggest fear when it comes to my search of God and this relationship* is to be wrong. wrong that he exists? no, that is not it. I am pretty convinced and also convinced that he had a face on the earth and his name was Jesus.
After that though who the hell knows.
I sure dont know and anyone who says they do looks foolish to me and yet I envy there solidness**. I dont want to be a cult leader. I feel like If I am so sure that my way*** is right and i live that way radically that I will turn into a cult leader. Why, cause I have to be out of the box, a revolutionary. I cant just follow someone else cause what if they are wrong too.
All of this is fear to be wrong.
What is so bad about being wrong?
Holy crap, I dont have the answer.
This is usually the part where I tell my discovery and clean up the mess I typed in the words before but I dont have a discovery, a direction, a solution, a next step, a plan, or a savior. I am sooo doomed to be wrong. If I am stuck in my own thinking and I dont trust anything that anyone else thinks then where do I go?
(like 5 min of silent reflection)****
It seems as though life will go on. I appear to be breathing. I have established a life enough to go on without the answered questions which is a good thing.
Interestingly enough it seems like I need to believe in something or someone or else I will implode.
*inspired by jo to do these little things. My pastor said tonight that a relationship is where you influence and are influenced by actions and reactions of someone or something. If we dont influence God then we are not in a relationship with him.
**Damn it all I do envy them I wish I didnt have to be so wishy washy. Its so safe to just jump on whatever the next theological idea comes around but then you end up looking in the mirror and seeing nothing.
***the simple way or mars hill or fundamental BCC, whichever way I feel like at the time
****recommended for the reader to get the full effect as well
1 comment:
1. Mars Hill doesn't make mistakes - you can just follow them. (joke)
2. I think the seeking process is good. Actually, necessary. I'm unsure about people who have answers. Jesus called us to be followers, I'm not sure if he ever used the word leader.
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