My trustworthy soul has left indented

Only my pastor showed up to my big program tonight. What a guy. It was supposed to be for college students and no one showed up. So He and I played a bunch of games together and had a lot to talk about. He is an amazing man. A little scary but in a really beautiful way. "If God lets things happen for a reason like little kids dying then He is a son of a bitch and I dont want to worship him."
It was a great time tonight.
So other then that we did a little self-exploring and there is no way in hell I will be able to figure it out unless I write it and if I dont write it here i would just throw it away after I was done. so lets jump into it. im just scared.
I am so scared to be wrong about all of this and so scared to stand on something because it might fall through. I realized tonight that my biggest fear when it comes to my search of God and this relationship* is to be wrong. wrong that he exists? no, that is not it. I am pretty convinced and also convinced that he had a face on the earth and his name was Jesus.
After that though who the hell knows.
I sure dont know and anyone who says they do looks foolish to me and yet I envy there solidness**. I dont want to be a cult leader. I feel like If I am so sure that my way*** is right and i live that way radically that I will turn into a cult leader. Why, cause I have to be out of the box, a revolutionary. I cant just follow someone else cause what if they are wrong too.
All of this is fear to be wrong.
What is so bad about being wrong?
Holy crap, I dont have the answer.



This is usually the part where I tell my discovery and clean up the mess I typed in the words before but I dont have a discovery, a direction, a solution, a next step, a plan, or a savior. I am sooo doomed to be wrong. If I am stuck in my own thinking and I dont trust anything that anyone else thinks then where do I go?


(like 5 min of silent reflection)****


It seems as though life will go on. I appear to be breathing. I have established a life enough to go on without the answered questions which is a good thing.
Interestingly enough it seems like I need to believe in something or someone or else I will implode.








*inspired by jo to do these little things. My pastor said tonight that a relationship is where you influence and are influenced by actions and reactions of someone or something. If we dont influence God then we are not in a relationship with him.


**Damn it all I do envy them I wish I didnt have to be so wishy washy. Its so safe to just jump on whatever the next theological idea comes around but then you end up looking in the mirror and seeing nothing.


***the simple way or mars hill or fundamental BCC, whichever way I feel like at the time


****recommended for the reader to get the full effect as well

Off guard

My mom found my biological dad.

Bradley Eugene Dillenback
lives in Colorado

I emailed him. We will see what happens.

The interview

So whats new Ben?

-well there is a whole plethera of new things.

Like what?

-well there are things with the apartment with work with relationships...

Ok well lets start with your apartment, How is the new one?

-its great actually, the most beautiful place and comfy and all that. Elyse and I love the fact that we finally live so close to our jobs and stuff.

Elyse has a job? I thought she was going to class?

-yeah actually she is going to class but yeah, she is loving that so much.

So what else? What about your job?

-I totally love it. As a matter of fact, I have some big news

Go on

- I am going to be the youth pastor in March!! I am so excited. I am starting to take on some responsibility and I am nailing it and just loving it. Not to mention it gives a tiny raise that may just pull us out cause we are in trouble cause every bill and big payment is coming down at once.

What kind of bills?

-Emergency room, rent, breaking leases, that sort of stuff.

What else is going on?

-Nothing really

What do you mean nothing really? Is that it?

-Yep

You just wanted to have an interview so you could tell the world you are going to be a youth pastor?

-Got it

...

-...

...

-...

Soooo good

This is finally a new day. The sun is shinning.

Highlights of what happened.

-Elyse and I can do youth ministry together and we are both still happy when we see each other
-My parents finally got a divorce. hurts a lil.

-I am an intravert at heart and I am allowing myself to live like that.

-Our car is falling apart

-we have a new apartment that is all new and cheap and has 79 acers of God's glory and its in Marshall, MI

-we have to pay for everything and we have no more savings.

-My former youthpastor found my site and saw some of the riskay things I think. (Hi Matt)

-I am finally living what is important to me

And finally the big new one.




Corporate worship sucks the life out of an experience with God and boxes it into one avenue. Elyse and I are going to branch out and we have found new ways to worship God that actually does all of those things worship was supposed to do and be. Nothing really new just totally "emerging church"
I might be my churches youth pastor in a year too. keep ya updated.

Josiah I cant wait till you come back. You are a true friend and you are seriously missed.

Livin it up

Ben

Panic! at the watchtower

What says whether or not life is a waste? What exactly do you have to do to "waste" life? How do you know you are not already doing it? 

I am stuck in that three ring circus. I feel as though I am weightless being tossed around by those questions. I am spinning to fast and I feel like I am going to puke up my soul. Time is the hardest measure to live up to. It expects so so much and yet the only way we know it exists are stupid clocks (some would argue the sun, cant disagree). What are we to have done? What are we not to be doing? Who fuckin says??? I cant handle that pressure any more or I will tear into three. Why should I care? What is even the big deal? Where can you compare accomplishment to accomplishment, ability to ability, time wasted to time well spent? Who does that? 

Why wont it leave me alone?

Occupational difficulties: please stand by

So actually Michigan football is back on the map. booya

My occupation will not define me. I am so tired of believing that. I figure what I will do now is build on what I just said because I learned something yesterday that I already knew. What I do will be the foundation for I do next. So this blog will not be an identity crises spill but it will be an unwinding of future job thoughts. 

I was always gonna be a youth pastor. Almost mirroring M squared except in a more relational way. I then began to despise the church and one of the qualities I hated was their fiscal sense. I would find my self saying I cant believe you spent money on that, douche. Even my new church, methodist, liberal, social, did some things, including running their youth ministry without care for the lay people's money. When money becomes no object is when I start to question what they are doing. 

Turns out I was a little wrong. the youth ministry was not so money whatever. they were speaking these kids languages for all the right reasons and basically, in short, I felt like I could be a part. Except before I came to this conclusion, I had began making plan B. 

I began to like plan B.

In fact I put more thought into plan B then plan A. I was thinking anywhere from Communications, businessish to philosophy and sociology. I was thinking anywhere from preparing for oversees to being a high school teacher. I had some plans let me tell you. 

Now, I am almost back where I started. Just confused and pulled. Even Elyse is sublimianlly telling me where life would be better. I feel like praying until God gives me an answer. problem is I dont believe in that. I am ready to experience it though. 

Michigan football sucks.

(my wife is a copy cat dork)

I love my jobs. I spent most of my week at them. I spent the week getting ready to lead worship with some awesome students and repairing computers. Both of which i love with my utmost. 

No blog would be complete without a struggle. ed43edsd56tfrs6fyew (my wifes contribution)

I am about 82% sure I wont be working at a church for the rest of my life. I dont think I can take it. I cant take the churches money. I cant take the churches goals. My heart for high school students and speaking value into their lives from our creator can be done in about 3000 different avenues. more thoughts later.

Cool gentle breeze

Internet at the house is dead. blogs        becoming       sporadic        .

So healing is coming in cool gentle breezes. I dont feel intimate with God any more but I think I may have killed the other one. I think he is dead. He keeps coming back, but only because the real hasnt taken up the space yet. Donald miller and I have a lot of things in common. I am re reading searching for God knows what and we were on the exact same pages for the first two chapters. Its kinda nice to see your feelings on someone elses paper. I like to disassociate. Fear of intimacy. Running away from problems. Kinda a loner. Really unhealthy. Luckily the God I killed (or am killing) has nothing to do with those problems. The real God, the father one who reveals himself to people and escapes religious hoops, tragically has everything to do with those issues. He wants me to be his friend. close friend. I am thankful I have no idea how or what that means so I cant put a how to on it. 

Now, I am just working on making room for him.

I want a Hamburger

Ok so I was reading the bible the other day and well it was good and life giving. God is still who he is i guess. 

I am hungry.

Spoon fed Knives and Forks

I have come to the end of a street.  

The thing is I have been on this road for pretty much my entire life. It has been a wide road and I think I may have taken it as slow as I possibly could. I could walk to one side of the road and then the other side and see completely different things but still be on the same road. It has been getting darker and darker on this road these last few years and I think I have come to slow down and think about my steps a little more. even as much as to say, I have developed new thought patterns walking the same road. 

Now I look at a fork.

I look to one side and I see this: (Seriously a lot cornier if you heard it sung) 

Now's the time 

let the redeemed celebrate 

if you know what I know 

you cant wipe the smile off your face

Oh people, stand up and praise

All glory to

The king of kings, Lord of Lords

oh the value of your worth

no worldly treasures can afford

Or on the Other side I see: (So much scarier if heard sung)

Out of his mind away

Pushes him whispering

must have been out of his mind

Mid-day delusions of pushing this out of his head

maybe out of his mind

All alone he turns to stone 

while holding his breath half to death

terrified of whats inside 

to save his life he

crawls like a worm from a bird

Those of course being the gross extremes of what has happened to me. I feel it would be best talking about how I got to this place. 

I have always wanted God. I think I always wanted to be in the right place with God and at some point I feel like i got there. I had a conversion experience where I had finally given my life to Jesus or just gave definition to whatever happened in the field. Whatever it was it was an experience with something outside of myself or so I think. The real question is there anything real outside of our human minds anyway. I have always been able to manipulate the "God inside my head" who whispers to me and a million other people different things. That little whisper is apparently my connection with the supernatural creator. Not just mine but every ones. including the Pentecostals down in Florida. I believed in that for a while. the holy spirit could literally speak to you for every little thing you do and that was encouraged. It was complete abandonment of self to hear that little whisper. That sort of came and went right along with everybody else. I dont really know why. I guess we all just figured it was to "extreme" and not balanced enough. God must have been leading us in a different direction then other Christians. So then after high school I went to rich powerful Conservative liberty university. I pushed for the holy spirit because they did not believe in that sort of power at all. they believed in sound fundamentalism and that was how God spoke to us in every little word the bible said. The problem with these people was simple. There were sick agendas in everything they did. I began to notice the heaven agenda here at liberty. Heaven and our eternity was where it came to an end. Questions were dangerous and doubt was unholy. They hid behind their lies of "faith" when really they were more suppressive then I was. I began to hate everything that American Christianity stood for. It was no longer about God or love. it was about every other thing. Purity, Battle, Quiet times, Money, and Eternity. What about people? I was getting to the liberal side of the road to be on the opposite end of this Christianity because it was just as bad as quixtar. they are just friends with you so you can buy their product. sure it will help them but there is something deeply wrong with quixtar. I wont go into it to much but the resemblance is striking between the two. Cant think of a difference. So, I left Liberty and came back to what I thought was a safe haven. My BCC. What I had come to find was that they were just the same. The same Christians, the same motives, the same issues. Different people. I could never really pin it on any one person but the ideas they all stood for. I noticed that they jammed a set of beliefs down your throat before they cared and then they sent you off with nothing to fill your lives with. You pray the right prayer and you are done. They cover it with the holy spirit living idea but it is just an excuse so they dont have to give or they dont have to be themselves or honest because its just about Jesus and the holy spirit and the people. Its not though, its about your sick sick ideas of how things work missing some of the most key things in all of life. Now I fucking hate the church and all of Christianity. I hate it......................

The truth is I need saving, the church needs saving, and i am not talking about salvation I am talking about something deeper from a creator to his creation. 

This fork in the road is what i have come to. I can continue on this bitter trail of hate and turn to stone and leave everything that may just be what i need or I can stand up to my past and the stuff that has lied to me and gave me one side. 

All of my life I have been given one side and have desperately searched for the other side, all in hopes I would know where I was. Now I do. I am at this fork. Hurting. Bleeding. In need of something real. I may die tomorrow. But I know I have one more step. It cant be forward. I always just move forward. It has to be right or left. Bitterness or Healing. Hard or Accepting. Never fake. Always real. No more running away.

One of those fights

Yeah for Thursday. I am actually glad its thursday considering the circumstances. I have decided that Jesus was right and tomorrow will worry about itself and thursday will be thursday and I will be happy because its thursday. Yesterday, being wednesday I was going to go get my woman some tie len all. I found my car would not start for no apparent reason. Finally after a jump, I just decided to come back inside and worry about today, Thursday. I have a band practice in which i am meeting some of the kids I work with for the first time. If my car wont start I cant be there and considering the circumstances my life would be ruined (that's how I felt on Wednesday). I began thinking about the fact i have a car and how lucky I am to begin with. That helped for about 3 minutes and then I started feeling bad for me again. As I was falling asleep I thought what does God want in this whole thing? Is this a life long lesson he is trying to teach me? disgusted and bitter at those words I just went to sleep. 

And here I was. Thursday. I was happy about today. I havent really thought about tomorrow yet. I woke up and immediately  went out to start the car. nothing. Got another jump and embarked on a mission to fix this car. I got into one of those fights with the lady where you go, 

ok i am going

oh but i wanna go

ok i will wait

no just go

Then I get a call saying she is upset. I personally blame that on my insensitive masculinity and personal manipulation issues. thats another entry though. I do have to brag. I did all the work. It was a dead battery and auto zone was swamped so they said here are the tools take your battery out and give it to us. So I did it. then they said your battery will blow up our store (no stretch that is a quote) if we charge it so here is a different one. put it in there. So i did it. I figure now I am a man. other then the fact that I cant make my wife happy at the moment, I believe i am a man.

So that is thursday so far. Its a good day somehow. I believe it is full of purpose and full of something that I cant see. something is filling up this room and fills my window of perception. Its really spiritual and its only thursday.

Understables are easier to throw with less power

I would like to thank Josiah for inspiring me to do this. He just seemed like he felt better after he wrote. I think I need this. I am one unstable character, kind of like an archangel dx or a champion beast that has been worn in for years. I am pretty much in love with disc golf. I dont know what happened. I went out, I did good, I enjoyed nature, now I cant stop thinking about it. 

So I am married, its pretty much the most wonderful thing. Elyse is an incredible wife. This house is full of love and commitment. Its everything I could have hoped. We havent really settled in yet. I dont know if we are going to. I guess we have a little while. We are gonna move again though. Its a good thing but it was an eye opening thing. It started making me think of God and control of life and how we just dont have any. It seems like we just follow our schedule along and live day to day following orders that my calendar barks out. Its kinda driving me crazy. I dont even give away time any more. It seems like I already sold it to life and I just keep up my end of the bargin everyday. God I wish I did not have to do that. I wish that the things that I cared about or that I thought were important got first dibs in my life as opposed to our survival. 

anyway, I guess I am going to wait to really get going on this thing. bye bye