Well, this is blog #2 since the death of God. The theistic God anyway (just to ease some peoples troubled minds). I am doing really good. I have learned how not to freak out and start a belief system on nothing or just hunches. I would tell people, well now I am this or that and scare the bejesus out of them, only to find I did not really think that stuff I said. I think I have a square one now though and I proudly say that I do believe in God. I think he exists simply because I have the capability to think so. I also still cant get my head around the alternitive of atheism or evolution.
I do want to say I have no idea what this God is or what it does. I dont know how one is supposed to know or if one could ever know. All I have ever heard are dumb arguments and even the good ones are just pills to make me feel better.
I started reading into hinduism ( I recommend it to anyone who wants to learn about God and spirituality) and as I was eating it up I realized I did not really care about the persona of God. I dont know if I want to know who he is or what it does or anything like that right now. Spirituality is kinda low on my list of things to explore. Like most at my age I am finding myself out first.
I am actually going into psychology more then ever now. I have always believed in the power of the human psyche but now I think it contains more answers then anything else I am searching for.
I also want to let you in that I am still saying my Jesus phrases subconciously and I am still very interested in the starving in Africa and the whole idea of making the world better and stuff. Turns out I did not need a God to be a good person. Those of you who are still being christians, I respect you and your beliefs. I dont think that everybody is going to feel the way I do about God being a coping mechanism. I do want you to check yourselves though. Thats only cause I love ya.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
A Note From Elyse
As the shock value of Ben's last blog resonates in your ears/eyes i wanted to comment on this current position in our lives and really just contribute my 2 cents into the pot.
God himself isn't dead.
God is alive and well, who that God is, however, may have changed. This theistic God that has become such a crutch for me has been removed. The God that i can define with the words "Loving, comforting, protecting, father...... etc." has been violently removed from under me causing a hard fall on to the floor of uncertainty. What kind of God can we define so easily and so readily and box up so well that there is nothing to question? As Ben mentioned in his previous post, who's to say the 'God" we christians know is nothing more than a super image of us that will ease any discomfort we feel.
For me to come to this point has been a hard battle through fear. Fear that i actually will find out i have been wrong, or fear that God will strike me down to hell as i ponder.
I dont really "know" much theses days but i do know i'm in a spot that will lead to something better.
~Elyse
God himself isn't dead.
God is alive and well, who that God is, however, may have changed. This theistic God that has become such a crutch for me has been removed. The God that i can define with the words "Loving, comforting, protecting, father...... etc." has been violently removed from under me causing a hard fall on to the floor of uncertainty. What kind of God can we define so easily and so readily and box up so well that there is nothing to question? As Ben mentioned in his previous post, who's to say the 'God" we christians know is nothing more than a super image of us that will ease any discomfort we feel.
For me to come to this point has been a hard battle through fear. Fear that i actually will find out i have been wrong, or fear that God will strike me down to hell as i ponder.
I dont really "know" much theses days but i do know i'm in a spot that will lead to something better.
~Elyse
Thursday, February 7, 2008
God is dead
There are two main things that when a statement like that is made come up. If that is true then I no longer have security that all is well and in control and I no longer have purpose to live my life. If God, that supernatural being was no more, I would then not have security nor purpose. Then again, that is why we human beings created this thing in the first place.
Whatever the hell happened at the beginning, whether we are some creation of a supernatural force or a natural force, (that being irrelevant at the moment), we as human beings found something out that no other thing found out. We were going to die some day. We can anticipate the future. Does what I do today really have value? Am I of value? These questions threw humans into a hysterical existance and something else needed to be done. Some how humans have to cope with these insecurities. Back then, they realized they existed and that meant that something outside of themselves existed. Maybe they had a mind of their own too? As a human I dont have control over the wind but it affects me, I better not piss it off. Eventually it was assumed that something had control over everything. not only that but we invented ways to give us relations with this something so we might please it thus ensuring our security here. Not only that but this kind of control and power could be used to regulate behavior and create unity for all man kind. We can call it God's will. You know if horses had Gods they would look and act and even desire that which horses desire. There is the birth of our "heavenly father"
Really all God ever was from then until now is a response to our own existence. We would not be strong enough to live with out purpose from that which we cant control. All "He" is is a coping method. They have done it for thousands of years and made God and sustained God for this purpose. But now, God is dead. I killed the super-Ben (the God who changed as i did and so did his desires just mirroring a perfect me or what I thought God should be or what I wanted to be or especially what I needed to feel better. Like a drug) God figure in my life. I quit my addiction to a false sense of security and purpose. I dont need to cope with life this way any more.
So what now...
I begin my search. This inner search for a God that I personally believe started this whole shabang. What am I doing here? I may never know and I sure as hell wont invent my God to answer that or any other question. I have gotten as far as to say it started this. it is the source of life. I also hear things I like from this book or that book or this religion that religion. I am very lost but so very free. Free from a whole mess of delusion. Granted I may end up a Christian or a buddist or a deist or an agnostic, I am free to make a choice. That seems part of being alive anyway. wow, more to come I guess
Whatever the hell happened at the beginning, whether we are some creation of a supernatural force or a natural force, (that being irrelevant at the moment), we as human beings found something out that no other thing found out. We were going to die some day. We can anticipate the future. Does what I do today really have value? Am I of value? These questions threw humans into a hysterical existance and something else needed to be done. Some how humans have to cope with these insecurities. Back then, they realized they existed and that meant that something outside of themselves existed. Maybe they had a mind of their own too? As a human I dont have control over the wind but it affects me, I better not piss it off. Eventually it was assumed that something had control over everything. not only that but we invented ways to give us relations with this something so we might please it thus ensuring our security here. Not only that but this kind of control and power could be used to regulate behavior and create unity for all man kind. We can call it God's will. You know if horses had Gods they would look and act and even desire that which horses desire. There is the birth of our "heavenly father"
Really all God ever was from then until now is a response to our own existence. We would not be strong enough to live with out purpose from that which we cant control. All "He" is is a coping method. They have done it for thousands of years and made God and sustained God for this purpose. But now, God is dead. I killed the super-Ben (the God who changed as i did and so did his desires just mirroring a perfect me or what I thought God should be or what I wanted to be or especially what I needed to feel better. Like a drug) God figure in my life. I quit my addiction to a false sense of security and purpose. I dont need to cope with life this way any more.
So what now...
I begin my search. This inner search for a God that I personally believe started this whole shabang. What am I doing here? I may never know and I sure as hell wont invent my God to answer that or any other question. I have gotten as far as to say it started this. it is the source of life. I also hear things I like from this book or that book or this religion that religion. I am very lost but so very free. Free from a whole mess of delusion. Granted I may end up a Christian or a buddist or a deist or an agnostic, I am free to make a choice. That seems part of being alive anyway. wow, more to come I guess
Thursday, December 27, 2007
My trustworthy soul has left indented
Only my pastor showed up to my big program tonight. What a guy. It was supposed to be for college students and no one showed up. So He and I played a bunch of games together and had a lot to talk about. He is an amazing man. A little scary but in a really beautiful way. "If God lets things happen for a reason like little kids dying then He is a son of a bitch and I dont want to worship him."
It was a great time tonight.
So other then that we did a little self-exploring and there is no way in hell I will be able to figure it out unless I write it and if I dont write it here i would just throw it away after I was done. so lets jump into it. im just scared.
I am so scared to be wrong about all of this and so scared to stand on something because it might fall through. I realized tonight that my biggest fear when it comes to my search of God and this relationship* is to be wrong. wrong that he exists? no, that is not it. I am pretty convinced and also convinced that he had a face on the earth and his name was Jesus.
After that though who the hell knows.
I sure dont know and anyone who says they do looks foolish to me and yet I envy there solidness**. I dont want to be a cult leader. I feel like If I am so sure that my way*** is right and i live that way radically that I will turn into a cult leader. Why, cause I have to be out of the box, a revolutionary. I cant just follow someone else cause what if they are wrong too.
All of this is fear to be wrong.
What is so bad about being wrong?
Holy crap, I dont have the answer.
This is usually the part where I tell my discovery and clean up the mess I typed in the words before but I dont have a discovery, a direction, a solution, a next step, a plan, or a savior. I am sooo doomed to be wrong. If I am stuck in my own thinking and I dont trust anything that anyone else thinks then where do I go?
(like 5 min of silent reflection)****
It seems as though life will go on. I appear to be breathing. I have established a life enough to go on without the answered questions which is a good thing.
Interestingly enough it seems like I need to believe in something or someone or else I will implode.
*inspired by jo to do these little things. My pastor said tonight that a relationship is where you influence and are influenced by actions and reactions of someone or something. If we dont influence God then we are not in a relationship with him.
**Damn it all I do envy them I wish I didnt have to be so wishy washy. Its so safe to just jump on whatever the next theological idea comes around but then you end up looking in the mirror and seeing nothing.
***the simple way or mars hill or fundamental BCC, whichever way I feel like at the time
****recommended for the reader to get the full effect as well
It was a great time tonight.
So other then that we did a little self-exploring and there is no way in hell I will be able to figure it out unless I write it and if I dont write it here i would just throw it away after I was done. so lets jump into it. im just scared.
I am so scared to be wrong about all of this and so scared to stand on something because it might fall through. I realized tonight that my biggest fear when it comes to my search of God and this relationship* is to be wrong. wrong that he exists? no, that is not it. I am pretty convinced and also convinced that he had a face on the earth and his name was Jesus.
After that though who the hell knows.
I sure dont know and anyone who says they do looks foolish to me and yet I envy there solidness**. I dont want to be a cult leader. I feel like If I am so sure that my way*** is right and i live that way radically that I will turn into a cult leader. Why, cause I have to be out of the box, a revolutionary. I cant just follow someone else cause what if they are wrong too.
All of this is fear to be wrong.
What is so bad about being wrong?
Holy crap, I dont have the answer.
This is usually the part where I tell my discovery and clean up the mess I typed in the words before but I dont have a discovery, a direction, a solution, a next step, a plan, or a savior. I am sooo doomed to be wrong. If I am stuck in my own thinking and I dont trust anything that anyone else thinks then where do I go?
(like 5 min of silent reflection)****
It seems as though life will go on. I appear to be breathing. I have established a life enough to go on without the answered questions which is a good thing.
Interestingly enough it seems like I need to believe in something or someone or else I will implode.
*inspired by jo to do these little things. My pastor said tonight that a relationship is where you influence and are influenced by actions and reactions of someone or something. If we dont influence God then we are not in a relationship with him.
**Damn it all I do envy them I wish I didnt have to be so wishy washy. Its so safe to just jump on whatever the next theological idea comes around but then you end up looking in the mirror and seeing nothing.
***the simple way or mars hill or fundamental BCC, whichever way I feel like at the time
****recommended for the reader to get the full effect as well
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Off guard
My mom found my biological dad.
Bradley Eugene Dillenback
lives in Colorado
I emailed him. We will see what happens.
Bradley Eugene Dillenback
lives in Colorado
I emailed him. We will see what happens.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
The interview
So whats new Ben?
-well there is a whole plethera of new things.
Like what?
-well there are things with the apartment with work with relationships...
Ok well lets start with your apartment, How is the new one?
-its great actually, the most beautiful place and comfy and all that. Elyse and I love the fact that we finally live so close to our jobs and stuff.
Elyse has a job? I thought she was going to class?
-yeah actually she is going to class but yeah, she is loving that so much.
So what else? What about your job?
-I totally love it. As a matter of fact, I have some big news
Go on
- I am going to be the youth pastor in March!! I am so excited. I am starting to take on some responsibility and I am nailing it and just loving it. Not to mention it gives a tiny raise that may just pull us out cause we are in trouble cause every bill and big payment is coming down at once.
What kind of bills?
-Emergency room, rent, breaking leases, that sort of stuff.
What else is going on?
-Nothing really
What do you mean nothing really? Is that it?
-Yep
You just wanted to have an interview so you could tell the world you are going to be a youth pastor?
-Got it
...
-...
...
-...
-well there is a whole plethera of new things.
Like what?
-well there are things with the apartment with work with relationships...
Ok well lets start with your apartment, How is the new one?
-its great actually, the most beautiful place and comfy and all that. Elyse and I love the fact that we finally live so close to our jobs and stuff.
Elyse has a job? I thought she was going to class?
-yeah actually she is going to class but yeah, she is loving that so much.
So what else? What about your job?
-I totally love it. As a matter of fact, I have some big news
Go on
- I am going to be the youth pastor in March!! I am so excited. I am starting to take on some responsibility and I am nailing it and just loving it. Not to mention it gives a tiny raise that may just pull us out cause we are in trouble cause every bill and big payment is coming down at once.
What kind of bills?
-Emergency room, rent, breaking leases, that sort of stuff.
What else is going on?
-Nothing really
What do you mean nothing really? Is that it?
-Yep
You just wanted to have an interview so you could tell the world you are going to be a youth pastor?
-Got it
...
-...
...
-...
Monday, October 22, 2007
Soooo good
This is finally a new day. The sun is shinning.
Highlights of what happened.
-Elyse and I can do youth ministry together and we are both still happy when we see each other
-My parents finally got a divorce. hurts a lil.
-I am an intravert at heart and I am allowing myself to live like that.
-Our car is falling apart
-we have a new apartment that is all new and cheap and has 79 acers of God's glory and its in Marshall, MI
-we have to pay for everything and we have no more savings.
-My former youthpastor found my site and saw some of the riskay things I think. (Hi Matt)
-I am finally living what is important to me
And finally the big new one.
Corporate worship sucks the life out of an experience with God and boxes it into one avenue. Elyse and I are going to branch out and we have found new ways to worship God that actually does all of those things worship was supposed to do and be. Nothing really new just totally "emerging church"
I might be my churches youth pastor in a year too. keep ya updated.
Josiah I cant wait till you come back. You are a true friend and you are seriously missed.
Livin it up
Ben
Highlights of what happened.
-Elyse and I can do youth ministry together and we are both still happy when we see each other
-My parents finally got a divorce. hurts a lil.
-I am an intravert at heart and I am allowing myself to live like that.
-Our car is falling apart
-we have a new apartment that is all new and cheap and has 79 acers of God's glory and its in Marshall, MI
-we have to pay for everything and we have no more savings.
-My former youthpastor found my site and saw some of the riskay things I think. (Hi Matt)
-I am finally living what is important to me
And finally the big new one.
Corporate worship sucks the life out of an experience with God and boxes it into one avenue. Elyse and I are going to branch out and we have found new ways to worship God that actually does all of those things worship was supposed to do and be. Nothing really new just totally "emerging church"
I might be my churches youth pastor in a year too. keep ya updated.
Josiah I cant wait till you come back. You are a true friend and you are seriously missed.
Livin it up
Ben
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