The thing is I have been on this road for pretty much my entire life. It has been a wide road and I think I may have taken it as slow as I possibly could. I could walk to one side of the road and then the other side and see completely different things but still be on the same road. It has been getting darker and darker on this road these last few years and I think I have come to slow down and think about my steps a little more. even as much as to say, I have developed new thought patterns walking the same road.
Now I look at a fork.
I look to one side and I see this: (Seriously a lot cornier if you heard it sung)
Now's the time
let the redeemed celebrate
if you know what I know
you cant wipe the smile off your face
Oh people, stand up and praise
All glory to
The king of kings, Lord of Lords
oh the value of your worth
no worldly treasures can afford
Or on the Other side I see: (So much scarier if heard sung)
Out of his mind away
Pushes him whispering
must have been out of his mind
Mid-day delusions of pushing this out of his head
maybe out of his mind
All alone he turns to stone
while holding his breath half to death
terrified of whats inside
to save his life he
crawls like a worm from a bird
Those of course being the gross extremes of what has happened to me. I feel it would be best talking about how I got to this place.
I have always wanted God. I think I always wanted to be in the right place with God and at some point I feel like i got there. I had a conversion experience where I had finally given my life to Jesus or just gave definition to whatever happened in the field. Whatever it was it was an experience with something outside of myself or so I think. The real question is there anything real outside of our human minds anyway. I have always been able to manipulate the "God inside my head" who whispers to me and a million other people different things. That little whisper is apparently my connection with the supernatural creator. Not just mine but every ones. including the Pentecostals down in Florida. I believed in that for a while. the holy spirit could literally speak to you for every little thing you do and that was encouraged. It was complete abandonment of self to hear that little whisper. That sort of came and went right along with everybody else. I dont really know why. I guess we all just figured it was to "extreme" and not balanced enough. God must have been leading us in a different direction then other Christians. So then after high school I went to rich powerful Conservative liberty university. I pushed for the holy spirit because they did not believe in that sort of power at all. they believed in sound fundamentalism and that was how God spoke to us in every little word the bible said. The problem with these people was simple. There were sick agendas in everything they did. I began to notice the heaven agenda here at liberty. Heaven and our eternity was where it came to an end. Questions were dangerous and doubt was unholy. They hid behind their lies of "faith" when really they were more suppressive then I was. I began to hate everything that American Christianity stood for. It was no longer about God or love. it was about every other thing. Purity, Battle, Quiet times, Money, and Eternity. What about people? I was getting to the liberal side of the road to be on the opposite end of this Christianity because it was just as bad as quixtar. they are just friends with you so you can buy their product. sure it will help them but there is something deeply wrong with quixtar. I wont go into it to much but the resemblance is striking between the two. Cant think of a difference. So, I left Liberty and came back to what I thought was a safe haven. My BCC. What I had come to find was that they were just the same. The same Christians, the same motives, the same issues. Different people. I could never really pin it on any one person but the ideas they all stood for. I noticed that they jammed a set of beliefs down your throat before they cared and then they sent you off with nothing to fill your lives with. You pray the right prayer and you are done. They cover it with the holy spirit living idea but it is just an excuse so they dont have to give or they dont have to be themselves or honest because its just about Jesus and the holy spirit and the people. Its not though, its about your sick sick ideas of how things work missing some of the most key things in all of life. Now I fucking hate the church and all of Christianity. I hate it......................
The truth is I need saving, the church needs saving, and i am not talking about salvation I am talking about something deeper from a creator to his creation.
This fork in the road is what i have come to. I can continue on this bitter trail of hate and turn to stone and leave everything that may just be what i need or I can stand up to my past and the stuff that has lied to me and gave me one side.
All of my life I have been given one side and have desperately searched for the other side, all in hopes I would know where I was. Now I do. I am at this fork. Hurting. Bleeding. In need of something real. I may die tomorrow. But I know I have one more step. It cant be forward. I always just move forward. It has to be right or left. Bitterness or Healing. Hard or Accepting. Never fake. Always real. No more running away.
1 comment:
yeah.
tough junk. where do we go from here? how does someone proceed amidst a church that seems wrong so much of the time while knowing that God calls us to be part of the church (both in the local gathering sense and global sense)?
being in Ecuador adds a new dimension to my thoughts as there isn't a whole lot of young people forming thoughts of backlash against the christianity they've grown up in (as in the States). regardless, the church isn't w/o fault.
i also enjoyed the profanity. it doesn't get near as much credit as it should.
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